Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Meet my Inner Saboteur
Meanie is creating two main battles in my brain right now: first, she's telling me that I'm going to settle (I'll explain in a minute...the definition here is a bit different from the mainstream) and second, she won't let me let go of the past (which is obvious, since we've addressed this topic several times before and it still keeps rearing it's ugly, ugly head).
Today, she's winning the first battle simply because she makes me unable to trust myself. As I meet more and more seemingly eligible bachelors, I tend to "like" almost immediately. To put it lightly, that scares the crap out of me. I can't possibly be meeting man after man with all of them reaching date-worthy status. The odds of that have got to be astronomical. I worry that I'm liking entirely too quickly and that it isn't real. I wonder if Meanie is making me confuse my desire to be in at least one quality relationship before I begin menopause with actually desiring the human being for their individual characteristics. I worry even more that I may actually find a guy who is in this same, weird head space, we'll convince each other that we're in love with the other, get married, and wake up one morning with stunned looks on our faces wondering "Who the heck are you?!" What if my Meanie meets someone else's self-inflicted, inner-saboteur and they bond? Do I just like the thought of liking? Am I in love with being in love? Luckily, there is no specific guy on the receiving end of this confusion right now, but I can see Meanie easily coaxing me to fall into it. At my age, watching seemingly everyone around me have what I'd like to have one day, she points her finger at me laughingly and asks "Wouldn't it be easy just to grab it as soon as it presents itself?" How will I know that I am actually in love with any specific guy for all of his wonders and fabulousness and not just with the concept of Coupledom? Maybe I've just solved the riddle of the ridiculous American divorce rate. I hope and intend to only marry once for all the right reasons, but I worry that Meanie might make me sabotage myself with (oh God, I'm going to say it) desperation.
I have to kill Meanie; that's all there is to it. Or at least shut her up permanently. For too long, I've let her ruin things for me, and it's high time I take matters into my own hands. I've tried to reason with her; I've tried to tell her that I can't let her win, but she keeps on and on and on. Her incessant negativity must be stopped for everyone's well being. But, how to do it?