Thursday, September 16, 2010

Cranking Up the Honesty Factor

So far, I've done everything to the letter.  I've written my online dating profiles within the parameters established by the field's "experts" and followed the guidelines to a "t."  I've read all of their suggestions, even analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of other's profiles and utilizing the things I've learned. I've worked diligently at being engaging, rather witty if I should say so myself, showing interesting sides of my personality, all while encouraging the reader to ask questions and begin an online conversation that will hopefully end in a face-to-face meeting.  So far, a few connections have been "successful" if meeting in person is your only indicator of success, but haven't ventured far past that initial introduction to Real Melanie.

Three days of a borderline down-in-the-dumps mentality has created this strange, sinister sarcasm in me.  And honestly, a bit of a flippant attitude towards the whole dating freak show.  With this mindset, I'm incredibly tempted to rewrite all of my online dating profiles.  I mean, they tell you to be truthful, so why not be full-on honest?  So, here goes:

About me:  I'm a 29 year old Atlanta-transplant who enjoys reading, traveling, politics, writing, random road trips, loves animals and children, is trying to live a faith-filled life, doesn't smoke, drinks socially, and my parents are still married to each other (for some reason, this is important to a lot of people...?). <-the real version is a bit more involved than this; consider this a Cliffs' Notes version.

About my match:  At this point, nothing you can say can surprise me.  I've met men who tell me I talk too much, men who tell me I don't talk enough, men who tell me I am overly critical, men who assume I want to marry them after the first date, men who act like they want to marry me after the first date, men who I've freaked out, men who've freaked me out, borderline stalkers, men who disappear off the face of the earth with little to no (believable) explanation, men who can't write a complete sentence and speak in text-speak, men who are eloquent writers but do nothing but talk about themselves and inflate their own egos, men who don't look anything like their online profile pictures, men who've told me I'm cheap, men who want to use me for my professional connections (This is new...I'll come back to this one), men who have sent me completely inappropriate text messages or photographs, men who are technically still married to the last girl they met online, men who can't commit to anything beyond text messages, men who tell me that they aren't interested because I'm plus-sexy, men who are only interested because I'm plus-sexy, men who are religious zealots, men who have no religion whatsoever, men who take me to dinner and tell me that I've been in the bathroom for too long, men who take me to dinner and tell me I have to get water to drink or "we'll be washing dishes" (direct quote), men who ask me if I'd like to meet them in "Hogsmeade for a tall glass of butterbeer," men who only complain to me about how horrible their ex was, men who make me drive halfway around the state to meet them so they can literally almost walk to dinner...  So, if you feel like you have something to offer other than any of the above mentioned characteristics, please contact me.  Right now.

Too much?  Maybe.  But, that's how I feel right now.  Remember Mr. Cheap?  I'm sorry, I don't think I actually formally introduced you to him the other day.  He's the "gentleman" who contacted me after my stupid clever placement of my email address on an online profile so that I wouldn't have to pay for a membership.  He told me that he too was too cheap to pay for their services.  So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and although he has a few strikes in his corner (one of which being that he's a full ten years older than me), we started emailing.  He has seen a photo of me, but I have never seen one of him.  Unfair advantage, I know, but I'm trying to remain as unshallow as possible in this increasingly difficult endeavor.  After he listed the fourteen states he's lived in (running from the law? Yeah, I thought that too.) and other random interesting facts about each other, I decided I was comfortable enough to tell him where I work.  When he realized that I am employed by a major player in Atlanta's non-profit community, he decided this was divine intervention.  What a connection!, he announced.  He intends to use his new "connection" to further his lifelong dream of opening a medical clinic for Atlanta's underprivileged.  My particular non-profit has no medical affiliation whatsoever.  I sent him the link to our website.  Connection lost.


  1. You would hope an older guy might have matured enough to at least behave like he's an adult! Sheesh!

  2. Matured people does not come by age. Most aged men I know are still immature. But you should at least know how to know the difference.

  3. This sounds just like my online dating life! I recently had a date where after I told the guy I work at a state psych hospital, he told me about his psychotic break and stay at a psych hospital in CA. Just because it's my job doesn't mean I want to extend my services to the guy I'm dating.

  4. @Karen, I agree completely.
    @dating online, my mother has said for years that my father had the humor of a 21 year old when they met and he hasn't increased all that much in their lifetime together. He's in his late 50's! Reassuring! ;)
    @Rika, Oh my goodness! Why would anyone EVER tell ANYBODY about a stay in a psych hospital during the initial dating phase!! Good grief! I'm thinking eHarmony or Match should include that in their "Top Things Not to Say on a First Date" article.


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