Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Faces of Online Dating

I'm so bored.  Thoroughly and completely bored out of my gourd.  If you can possibly stand the excitement (sarcasm) of my current dating life, I'll give you an update.  Yawn.  Hold on...let me stretch...rub my eyes...okay, I'm awake...here goes.

I've determined that there are at least five types of men out there in the online dating or electronic hook-up world, four of which I've met in the last couple of weeks.  The first type are the Snooze Fest guys.  Poor communicators, they quickly fall into a pattern of repetition, mostly asking how your day went and nothing else.  Every single day.  My advice to gentlemen who fall into the Snooze Fest category is plain and simple:  read the profile of the girl in which you're interested.  If she's got any semblance of personality or communication skills herself, she's spent some time including at least one bit of information of which you could ask her a question.  Okay, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe she has absolutely nothing to spark an interrogative statement.  Did she list what city she lives in?  Ask her how long she's lived there; ask her if she likes living there; ask her if her family lives there or did she move there on her own?  Repeated boring emails eventually equal no response.  If we met in a bar, would you stand next to me, turn to face me every five minutes and ask me how my day has been, over and over and over again?  No.  No, you wouldn't. 

The next type of guy in the online dating world is the Faceless Man.  The Faceless Man refuses, for whatever true reason, to post a photograph, claiming that he believes that women should be interested in what he has to offer on paper and not what his photo looks like.  Try reversing that situation and I can't tell you many men who'd respond to a woman's request to communicate if she didn't have a photo.  I recently tripped over a Faceless Man, Mr. Cheap.  His original email to me had his name listed as "Hot Doc."  I was skeptical.  Soon after, it changed to "GA Doc."  Probably a bit more truthful.  I've come to discover that most of the time Faceless Men aren't resisting the photo post because they're hideous but because they don't make good photo selection choices.  After our email communications had hit the speed bump of him insinuating he was going to use my professional connections to further his endeavors, I think Mr. Cheap felt it was time to woo me with his charming good looks.  He finally sent me a photo this weekend (in which he accused me of using a "Glamour Shots" photo for mine.  Not funny.).  When I hesitatingly opened the attachment, I found a man who looked way beyond his 39 years, was in desperate need of a hair cut and shave, had held the camera entirely too close to his face and had a bushel of chest hair escaping the top of his v-neck t-shirt.  I'm sure that Mr. Cheap may look quite different in person, but this photo does not do him any favors.  Unfortunately, it was the nail in his coffin that was pretty much already sealed shut.  Had he done as all websites suggest and posted his photo from the beginning, we could have saved each other some very valuable biological clock time.

The third type of guy is the Overkill Guy.  These guys can sometimes blur the line between Overkill and Snooze Fest.  Overkill Guys barrage you with contact from the get-go, asking for your phone number immediately, texting you non-stop as if you've known each other for years, getting offended when you don't respond as quickly as they are and usually fizzling out with little warning.  You don't really mind their disappearance because you never knew anything about them other than their phone number anyway.  Advice? Communicate.  Inspire some reason for me to want to text/call you.  Give me something to talk about other than "Hi, it's Melanie from (Insert Online Dating Site Here)."  Establish a foundation and let me know that you were inspired to communicate with me based on something other than my photo.  And then back off a little!  Not everyone stays logged into their online dating profile around the clock.  Thankfully.  And some of us are balancing more than one site at a time, so this would be virtually impossible anyway.  You know, if I was doing that...  Not saying I am.  Oh hell...

Fourthly, you'll easily find the Won't Take "No" For An Answer Guy.  As a Singleton who isn't exactly batting them away with a stick, this is a hard concept for me to grasp.  I've learned that just because someone contacts you online doesn't mean you're obligated to reply back with sentiments of interest.  It is okay to not be interested in communicating with one or more of the millions of people with online profiles.  So, when I politely say that I feel as though our profiles aren't compatible, that means "try your luck elsewhere," not "keep sending me messages asking me if I want to chat on a daily basis."  I'm not going to open my inbox on the third, fourth or fifth message and suddenly realize you're the man of my dreams.  You either come across desperate or unable to keep track of all the women you're sending chat requests to.  Words of wisdom to these guys:  stop wasting your time.  I'm sure there are women out there that would like to chat with you.  You're missing out on them by repeatedly contacting girls that have been courteous enough to help you not waste your time.

Lastly, there's Dateable, Take Home to Your Parents, Can't Believe You Met Him Online, How Do We Get Ourselves in an eHarmony Commercial? Guy.  Haven't found him yet.  I know he's out there...


  1. "Lastly, there's Dateable, Take Home to Your Parents, Can't Believe You Met Him Online, How Do We Get Ourselves in an eHarmony Commercial? Guy"

    Seriously- me too!! I guess it wouldn't be as special though if it didn't take a lot of hard work and kissing a lot of frogs to get to the prince :)

    xx, dee

  2. A friend of mine actually said that to me the other day. He said "Wouldn't it be funny if you actually DID meet 'him' on an online dating site?" I said "Yeah, but in about a month, he'd get really sick of listening to all the garbage I had to go through to get to him." LOL


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