Tuesday, September 28, 2010

12 Step Program for Shower-ers

As much as I've dogged eHarmony and their "pie in the sky," overly generalizing e-newsletter communications, I stumbled across an article today that really (dare I say it?) opened my eyes a bit.  Although I've heard all of these things before, I'd never heard them explained in a way that made sense.  Maybe it was necessary for me to have hurdled myself into Singledom and experienced some serial dating in order for these thoughts, analogies and rationales to make sense to me, but for some reason, after reading this article, I got an overwhelming inner-monologue that just repeated:  "That's it.  That's what you're doing wrong."

Now, taking into consideration that these aren't explanations for my serial first date status, it does help me understand my history with men in general.  Although, it goes against everything I've ever known.  To me, if you love someone, you should shower them with attention and displays of your affection, but...well, I won't ruin the article.  But!  I will say that, although I have dogged Ms. Raye previously for her "advice," I think she does a good job of breaking down why this showering and displaying might not be the best approach when dating.  Maybe I should save all that for when the initial pursuit is over.  Well, I'll let you read it, and you can be the judge.  Can I comment as we read?  Of course I can; it's my blog.

How To Show Him You're A Great Catch
By Rori Raye Author of best-selling eBook 'Have The Relationship You Want' and free newsletter

So you've finally met a man you really like and can see yourself having a relationship with him. Wait, he called me?  He asked me out for a second date?! Finally, holy cow. You should make an effort to show him you're a real find, right?  I'm assuming he's not already aware of that, so yes, yes, I should.

Actually, no. Oh. The fantastic thing about being a woman is that getting a man to see how wonderful you are doesn't involve any effort at all. In fact, it's all about simply being, not doing. Wait, what?


When we meet a great guy, we women often try to do, do, do whatever we can to make him see what a great catch we are. We'll go out of our way to do things for a man, plan outings together, and sometimes even say yes to things he wants that go against what we want. That's been the basic plot of my life for about ten years now.  Handmade cards, notes on car windows, random texts, evening plans of all things that interest him...

You can't convince a man to fall in love. Living proof of that.  But you can lead him there by connecting to his heart. One of the most powerful ways to do this is to let yourself be guided by your feminine energy rather than your masculine. Feminine energy is about being instead of doing. When you focus on simply being in the moment and enjoying a man's company and attention, you automatically shift your vibe so that he can step into the masculine, doer role.  See, my problem here is finding a man that wants to be the doer.  Being the doer would require taking initiative, and lately I can hardly get them to respond to an email.  I'll keep reading, though...

To do that, you must first be open to receive.  Oh, I'm open, Rori.  I'm so open...

A GREAT CATCH LETS A MAN GIVE TO HER My God, wouldn't that be nice?!

Inspiring a man to see you as the one woman he wants to be with forever is all about you being able to receive love.

Men fall in love when they give to you, not because of how much you give them or do for them. When you shower him with affection, attention, dinners, gifts, and always go out of your way to drive to his place, it makes him think of you as a mother or a friend instead of inspiring his emotional desire for you.  Hello, my name is Melanie and I'm a shower-er.  The first step is acknowledging I have a problem.  This, friends, this is what I do.  What I do wrong.

When you are open to receiving from a man, you are sending a message that you value yourself - you believe you are worthy of his time, attention, gestures, and ultimately his love. So resist the temptation to prove your worth by giving and instead create the space for him to give to you.  Well, see, I don't think I do it to prove my worth...well, maybe at first.  I think I eventually do it as a display of affection.  Like "see how much I like you, I'm willing to do everything you could possibly ask of me." But, by starting on this path in the first place, I'm only leading myself into Friend/Mother Zone, absolutely not the intended direction.


Men are competitive creatures who value what they have to work hard to get. If he gets a sense that you're completely devoted to him with very little investment on his part, he'll question your value.  Wow, this is pretty evident in my life.  Why am I just seeing this?

This means you do not give away exclusivity to a man until you have the commitment you want from him. Instead, you keep dating and meeting lots of different men so that you give yourself a chance to find out what you really want and need from a relationship. At the same time, you aren't prematurely cutting yourself off from your Mr. Right in case you haven't met him yet!  I cut myself off for too long, Rori!  Help me, help me!

When you keep the focus on yourself and keep yourself open to other men, you send the message loud and clear that you're a woman who puts herself first and that you are a prize. This elevates your "degree of difficulty" so he has to step up his game to get you all to himself...or risk another guy beating him to it.  All right, now I want to hear from the guys...is this true?  Or is this just some idealistic female perception of how you guys think?

A GREAT CATCH PUTS HERSELF FIRST  I'm trying...I really am. 

The most important thing to remember when you are dating a man and want him to realize how wonderful you are is to put your happiness first. 

If you love taking a dance class every Thursday night, don't give it up just because he's in the picture and you don't want him to think you're not interested. Letting him know you have a life before him actually makes him more attracted to you - not just because you're not about to drop everything for him, but because people who are passionate about their interests are interesting people!

So, tell him, "It would feel so great to see Thursday, but I have my dance class that night, and I love it. I'm free Tuesday or Friday." Then ask him what he thinks. It might feel a little scary to do this with a guy you really like, but the right guy will gladly re-arrange his plans to see you. Why? Because you've just proven you're a great catch he has to woo and win.  But when does this stop?  When do you start considering that you  might be excluding him from being a part of your life by being so rigidly scheduled and inflexible?

I wonder what the reverse of this is for men.  How do men show us that they're a great catch?  If I keep thinking about this, I might be a bit more critical of Ms. Raye's latest contribution to online dating strategics.  This article does imply that the burden is on the man to pursue us, which of course, as a female, is fine with me.  But, is it realistic in this day and age?  What do you think, Singletons?  How about you Marrieds?  What approach did you take to win the attention and affection of your significant other?

Writer's note:  To give credit where credit is due, here is information about the author.  Rori teaches women how to break out of the patterns that have been keeping them from truly connecting with a man's heart so that they can experience deep intimacy.  To learn specific ways you can step out of the "doing" role in your relationship and into the more feminine energy "feeling" role that is so alluring and magnetic to a man, subscribe to Rori's free e-newsletter.  You'll discover even more effortless ways to let a man know he's lucky to have you.


  1. I feel like this is dangerous gender essentialism, to say that guys always want to give, and girls should always wait to receive (don't get me started on "passive feminine energy" - misogynism much??).

    At the same time, if you eliminate the gendered parts, I think this article does have some valuable advice. It just works equally for both sexes - it goes both ways.

    I can definitely see how always driving to his place, always changing your plans for him, showering him in gifts/notes/etc, would be off-putting. I don't see any gendered component to it. A guy who always drives to a girls place/showers her in gifts/changes his plans for her/lacks an outside life is equally unappealing. Believe me, I've broken up with guys for doing just that!

    The issue isn't a guy's innate competitiveness/a girl's innate need to play hard-to-get (which the author disguises as raising your degree of difficulty - but which is actually just playing games, which I'm pretty sure is generally reviled, at least by people who want a serious relationship...). The issue is clingy-ness. There is nothing less appealing than a person who expects you become his/her entire life, who fawns on your every action/work, who won't give you a moment to yourself. That's the issue here, not broken gender norms.

    Now, the idea of friend-zoning yourself by doing this is a new idea to me - my immediate reaction is that it has some merit. And, I think because of the way society constructs gender expectations and roles, the gender theory may actually have some credence here (it's harder to imagine a man being friend-zoned for this type of behavior - although it's very easy to imagine a man being seen as a pitiful puppy-dog type for engaging in this type of behavior, rather than being seen as a mature man).

    At the same time, though, I don't think the author's suggestion for solving this problem would help - most men, if presented with the author's passive princess, would run the other way because they wouldn't want anything to do with the high-maintenance game-player.

    So, while the author is right that this behavior can be damaging to a relationship, IMO, she has the reasons (and solutions [other than ceasing the behavior]) all wrong! But that's just me! =)

  2. It does sound like it's making it seem like the guys should do all the work, and I'm not sure I agree with that. I think that dating should be more equal. I read another book that was a little similar to the one you mentioned, called He's Just Not That Into You. It said that girls shouldn't call the guy or ask him out, because apparently guys don't like it.

  3. I had a lo of problems with this article that I didn't express, one of which was the mental red flag that went up clearly alerting me to the very clear presence of game playing. I think you're right, Anonymous. Even if this tactic worked initially, any normal guy is going to read such maneuvers as disinterest and move along. But I do think there is something positive both men and women can take from this "article." I spent entirely too long believing that, if I just kept showing him how much I loved him with little things or kept helping or doing things for him to show how much I loved him, eventually he'd wake up one morning and realize how much he loved me and needed me. That's not fair. We need to find someone who not only values this attention (in a healthy, non-stalker way!) but also cherishes it and reciprocates it.

  4. I think lots of us women don't stay 'open' to meet/date other men when we (finally) meet one who seems like he could be 'the one.' We focus too much on one guy at a time, and then have a terrible hurt/disappointment when that guy doesn't work out for us...so I agree with Rori's suggestion/insight from the article saying not to give away exclusivity to a man until you have a commitment - amen!

    "This means you do not give away exclusivity to a man until you have the commitment you want from him. Instead, you keep dating and meeting lots of different men so that you give yourself a chance to find out what you really want and need from a relationship. At the same time, you aren't prematurely cutting yourself off from your Mr. Right in case you haven't met him yet!"

    ...now trying to live-it-out is the 'difficult part':)

  5. If you shower a man, it seems that he looses interest. But if he thinks you are not interested or there might be another man, then he is all over you. I hate these crazy games, but I have found both sexes seem to play them.

  6. I was recently readinga psychology article about men and women and dating... I was so shocked tohave read what I did. First a little history about me. I am 35 been divorced for 8 years, no kids, educated, super sweet, pretty, kind, and just plain nice. The funny yet not so funny part of all of this dating junk is thatevery guy I have dated over te past 8 years has broken up with me because.... Are you ready for this? "Oh Summer you are just so nice, and well I am wanting more, your just tooooo nice." I never understood until this morning as I read the psych article. Hmmmmm, men do not want sweet, nice, and adorable because that is too easy and will always be there. Men want sassy, rigid, tempermental, and yes mean. Well I guess I found out why I am stil single and why just last night man broke up with me and said I was to sweet and nice. Then to help back it up I found this blog. I have put myself into the doer, I need to step away from it and let him do.... ARGH where is the easy button?...lol...

  7. First, thank you for reminding me that it is high time I paid more attention to this blog! And that there are people out there who are still reading it! Second, I'm very sorry that you've been obviously dealing with a lot of pretty immature guys. I think the "You're too nice" line is a total cop-out and comes only from people who are not ready to commit to the level of relationship that you are seeking. Desiring someone who is mean to you isn't something that most people seek for a lifetime relationship. It appeals to an immediate fascination, fixation or fetish. So, don't stop being who you are. If you're nice and sweet and caring, the right guy is going to appreciate that in you because those are qualities that we all aspire to and should want to surround ourselves with. Don't change because you happen to have stumbled across eight guys who aren't worth your time in the first place. I am glad you found my blog and hope that you'll read more and comment more!


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