Yesterday, I noticed that my e-newsletters folder was rather large, home to over 2,000 emails. For some reason, my Type A personality immediately creates a sense of panic in me when an inbox is at a seemingly insurmountable number. Maybe I'm a bit OCD about it, but either I have to read them all or delete them all and start fresh. Having this ridiculous figure looming over my head was daunting. I opened the folder.
At the top of the list, and for reasons unknown to me, sat a shiny new e-newsletter from none other than my dear friends at eHarmony. Now, keep in mind, Singletons and Marrieds, not only have I been off the market now for almost nine months, I have not had a eHarmony account in at least a year and a half. Probably more than that. I'm too lazy to look back through my previous posts to find out, but let's just say it's been a long time. Lest you forgot in that time gap, eHarmony is one of the most expensive online dating services on the planet (sometimes charging around $60 a month). This girl lived by the mantra that her frugality outweighed her need for companionship, especially since most of the time I wasn't getting enough
So, why are we talking about this e-newsletter? The title captured me. Again, based on my e-marketing knowledge and experience, I know that the subject line is critical. If you don't grab the reader in that little box with something appealing, you are doomed to the delete button. So, when eHarmony opened our dialog with "The Top Eight Reasons Men Fall Out of Love," something happened in my brain. 'You need to know this, Melanie,' it said. I nodded as if hypnotized. I do need to know this. So, open it, I did. I followed the link to the online article (someone in their marketing department giggled as their click through rate went up, I know it) and convinced myself that eHarmony was a valuable source of knowledge for my relative dating inexperience. I needed to safeguard my relationship from potential pitfalls, and eHarmony was the only place that could help. Save me, Neil Clark Warren, you're my only hope.
After reading the article, and scouring every word for relevance, (and questioning some of their photo choices), I have decided that eHarmony is evil. Evil, evil, evil. Okay, maybe not the entire website (I know several of my readers have found the love of their lives via eHarmony). So, let's say their writers are evil. Everything they listed in their article were "duh" pointers. If you're in a relationship and you don't know that your man will feel unloved if he doesn't feel like you support him or that he'll change the way he looks at you if you always meet him at the door with negativity, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. These monumental insights were joined by other top secret information such as women who are high maintenance, couples who are incompatible, relationships that started on a one-night-stand and haven't connected beyond the bedroom, women who don't admire their men, ladies who are all business (bills, bills, bills), and moms who never cross back into wife territory all contributing as factors to why men fall out of love. According to eHarmony writers.
Not happening, Dr. Warren. You can keep your questionnaire and your levels of compatibility. Stop emailing me. I'm out. Better yet, keep 'em coming. They make great blog material.