You Know Who You Are...

So, in my millenia, decades, years of being a Singleton, I learned the fine art of not being "that couple."  You know who I'm talking about... the ones that do those ever-so annoying little things in public that make you cringe from your head to your toes.  I spent my countless years alone watching other people and making a rather lengthy mental list of things I would never, never, ever do in public when blessed with a significant other who was interested in doing more than just holding my hand.

Well, Singletons and Marrieds, the day arrived last February when I met a wonderful man who not only wants to hold my hand in public, but willingly and joyfully refers to me as his girlfriend.  Hence my rather obvious disappearance from the blogosphere and thankfully, from the online dating shenanigans that inspired so many of my previous posts.

Moving from Singledom to Coupledom has been a fairly smooth transition, and I must say that it is everything I hoped it would be and more.  I'm very happy.  I have missed writing and sharing all this silliness with you all, but I have not missed all of those men whose names adorn the sidebar of this blog and their ridiculousness, the texting-induced carpal tunnel, the endless streams of stupid email pick-up lines, the out-and-out creepers, or the nerve-wracking first/blind dates.  But, I logged into my blog account today and was shocked beyond belief.  Although I haven't posted new material in almost a year, I still have regular readers.  On a daily basis.  Hundreds of you.  I love you.  Why you're still here and coming back for more boggles my mind, but I know that I can't just leave you hanging.  So, I'd like to propose a deal:

I don't want to share overly personal details on the interwebs.  Don't give me that look.  Would you do that? Would you post the nitty-gritty of your everyday life with someone else for the world to see?  Probably not.  And if you would, start a blog.  I bet you have a reality show deal with TLC in less than six months.  Give it hell.  Let me know how it turns out.  Or I'll just watch for you after Honey Boo Boo Child.  But, I want to keep writing.  So, if you'll read my commentary about dating in general  and continue to comment up a storm like you did before, I'll promise to never leave you stranded in Blog Purgatory ever again.

Deal?  Shake on it?  Good.  Let's get back to the topic at hand.

So, as someone relatively new to this whole Coupledom thing, I have been trying diligently to walk the fine line between broadcasting to the world my relationship status with my every word and action and being closed, cold, and publicly looking too much like we're just inches away from The Friend Zone.  In my research and field testing, I've determined that there are at least five main elements of a relationship that, when publicly abused, could inevitably turn you into "that couple:"

1. PDA:  Oh, the public displays of affection.  Don't get me wrong... I'm not above a peck kiss, hand-holding (obviously), or walking arm-in-arm when interacting with people in the outside world as a couple.  But, if you wouldn't do it in front of your grandmother, my rule is, don't do it in front of strangers.  And if you would do it in front of your grandmother and you regularly see your friends cringe with disgust or physically remove themselves from your vicinity, refer to my prior TLC/Honey Boo Boo reference.  A safe way to determine whether or not you've crossed this line is if you engage in PDA and everyone around you starts texting seemingly in unison, you've gone too far.  They're all texting about you.  Get your tongue out of his/her throat and save it for later.  Singing to each other in public also falls into this category.  Blah.  Oh, and constant declarations of love for each other on Facebook.  We saw your changed relationship status.  We get it.  We don't need hourly reminders.  Thanks.
2. Sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth:  We've talked about this one before, friends.  I know I will have some people fight back on this, but to me, there is nothing more awkward than dodging someone's elbow while trying to eat my hamburger or doing that strange side-sitting in order to look the person in the face while conversing.  Just sit across from each other, for goodness sake.  I promise you won't die if your hips aren't touching for 45 minutes to an hour.  Pinky promise.
3. Too many inside jokes:  So, every couple has a few inside jokes.  If you consider yourself an amateur comic who missed her calling (eh-hem), you might have a few dozen.  But, constantly making people feel uncomfortable because they don't "get" the two of you and your amazing humor that only you can understand will quickly turn you into (cue disaster music) "that couple."
4. Baby Talk:  Gag me.  As a teenager, I sat through an exchange between two adults in their early-forties that sounded something like this:   Man: "Does the baby want a glass of juice?"  Woman (in high pitched voice and pouty face):  "Yes, the baby wants a glass of juice."  Man (in high pitched voice with equally pouty face):  "Does the baby want me to get it for her?"  Woman (in disgusting baby voice):  "Yes, the baby wants you to get her some juice."  The term "the baby" is not referring to a child in the room, oh no.  It is referring to the woman.  In third-person baby talk.  I swore to myself in that moment, at the young and innocent age of 17, that I would never put another human being through this level of social torture.  Ever.
5. TMI:  Listen.  If your at-home quiet time consists of jack-rabbit-like behavior, that is so awesome for you.  I'm thrilled.  Congratulations.  But, I think I can speak for the entire human population when I say that none of us, not a single one, wants to know about it.  Or hear about it in detail.  Or listen to your "subtle" jokes or hints about it.  Although I tend to believe that the people that talk about it the most are the ones that are doing it the least, I do know that there are those couples that think it is cute to embarrass each other or everyone they know with tales of their um, R-rated romance.  It ain't cute.

Call me old-fashioned, call me reserved or modest, call me whatever you want to call me.  But, in my opinion, these intimate details are even more special when they're only shared with the one you love.  Be happy with each other without having to seek out external validation, admiration, or endorsement.

All right, Singletons and Marrieds, what's on your list?  What makes you want to go running and screaming away from those couples?