Saturday, October 29, 2011

Annual Christmas Newsletter - The Single Version

So, hot off the rejection rollercoaster, I'm totally into being single and living it up, relationship-less-style.

That's lie.  But, I am freshly bitter with the wind knocked out of my sails and feeling very 'blah' when it comes to men, in general (which might stink for the guy who wants to meet me next week).  I think I'm owed that, though, for at least a month or two.  And quite frankly, I'm at my most creative and inspired when I'm oozing with negativity.  So, in reality, it's your gain.

A few weeks ago (long before the reality of my impending, continued Singledom status was revealed), three rather comical coworkers of mine started complaining about the annual family newsletters that people send at Christmas, full of clip art, youngsters doing... well, youngster things, and updates of phenomenal accomplishments since the previous newsletter.  Quite honestly, I think this is a feeble attempt at keeping in touch that eliminates the endless, monotonous phone calls to distant relations through the year, because the sender either realizes how dull this information truly is or they simply don't care about what anyone else's family has been up to and the newsletter provides an easy one-sided approach.  They were griping about putting them together and including things like "Oh, Child X got suspended from school again, but this time there were no emergency room visits involved" when other friends shared things like scholarships, athletic awards and Nobel Peace Prizes.

As a Singleton, I've never had the "pleasure" of putting together an annual newsletter about anything.  I send a Christmas card, but generally just sign my name or add something like "I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas season."  You know, because I don't have a family of my own, just a ridiculously loud biological clock that won't shut the hell up and ovaries that are on the brink of packing up and moving to greener pastures.  But, I digress...

Of course, this realization of yet something else I was missing out on combined with my everyday bitterness (imagine how great this moment would have been had it been paired with today's monumental bitterness... epic)  inspired in me a potential great work of art.  Something that will live on long after me and my bitterness have bitten the dust.  Something that generations will look upon with delight and awe.

I will write a Singleton's Annual Christmas Newsletter.

Brilliant.  I will compose the greatest newsletter of all time... highlighting things like "Through 2011, I spent my Friday nights drinking too much, talking a big game, in poorly lit bars in not-so-respectable parts of town;" or "I didn't lose any money in the stock market or a 401k because I don't have one!;" or "Housing market sucks? Who cares?! I rent!," adorned with photos of me sprawled out asleep in my bed with a clock behind me with something wonderful like "11:35" behind my slumbering head or dressed less than modestly, standing entirely too close to men I've only known for minutes while having a drink ordered for me at some local drinking establishment.  All things that would inspire waves of green envy from those who write "traditional" family newsletters.

But, I need to make sure it's jam-packed with goodies of Singledom, so I need your help.  With Halloween mere days away, Christmas is literally around the corner. What else could I include in my run-down of 2011, the Single Girl's version?


  1. I didn't realize that people still sent out newsletters; I figured that updating people on their lives was what Facebook was for. I'm not sure what I'd put in my newsletter if I had one. I'd probably take a few creative liberties, just for fun, and see if anyone believed them.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. When I was single, I would do a postcard-sized newsletter for the family with a picture of my hamster and a bulleted list of 5 or 6 big thing that had happened during the year, like changing jobs or apartments, a big trip I took, a new hamster, etc. Now that I have a husband, I get to put less effort into it by just turning a photo of us into one of those photo cards--or maybe that should be *more* effort because I have to convince him that he needs to get a haircut, shave, wear something nicer than a t-shirt and jeans, and actually smile when the picture is being taken!

  4. @Neurotic, If I don't take liberties, I will at least do a little exaggerating. ;) @Kassia, all that pre-photo-husband-prep sounds tiring and makes me a bit less bitter about my inability to include anyone else in my Christmas photo shoot. LOL

  5. LOVE IT!! All those married-parent-people things that us singletons are excluded from - I mean, I know that their lives aren't just all happy and easy and struggle free, but am I the only one who looks at happy young families, or happy young couples who found each other back in high school, etc, and just slightly hates them for not having to go through the struggles that I'm still fighting to achieve what they have so effortlessly?

  6. You are not alone! That's why I think, as an outspoken Singleton, it's my responsibility to all of us to write this newsletter! Chock full of all the fabulous things about being single, all things that you can't do anymore once you're married and have children. Any suggestions of things to include?? Keep watching... of course I'll post it here when it's finished!

  7. Anon from last night... the main thing I appreciate about being single is the freedom - especially the freedom to travel (esp. to see friends and family), since that's pretty much my lifestyle. This year, I took off to Italy for two weeks (actually, that killed the relationship I was in at the time, but still...). I visited my family/parents at least 4-5 times, including a wonderful beach weekend with my parents that I just returned from. I visited friends, I visited my sister, I went to conferences for my work, I went to homecoming, I went to my friend's beach house. I get to spend all the holidays with my own family. These are things that you can't do as easily when you're in a relationship - like I said, kinda helped end my relationship. So that's my singleton silver lining!


  8. Hi Melanie,
    Loving your blog!!
    I'm writing about being a Singleton in Dublin, Ireland, only my perspective is of a single gay dude. I'm trying to liven it up/sharpen it up. Also, it's supposed to be vaguely comical! I'd love it if you'd give it a gander and give me any feedback you have for improving it?
    I'm at


You might also like...

Related Posts with Thumbnails