Thursday, June 17, 2010

Still waiting or still lost?

Sometimes it is hard for me to know what is real and what is not.  Having been pretty sheltered growing up and spending most of my time with my nose stuck in a book, I wouldn't say that I really socialized as a teenager.  This fact, I'm sure, was much appreciated by my parents considering I was their first exposure to raising a teenager in the mid-90's. I had friends, of course, some of which I still consider to be my nearest and dearest even to this day.  And obviously a lot of people in high school at least knew I existed, which is evident from the amount of which have reconnected with me through Facebook.  But, I spent most of my time thinking about the future and not so much about the present.  I focused on books, school, tests, AP exams, Beta Club (which surprisingly made me "high school famous," I've now come to learn all these years later!), college entrance exams, college application essays, getting scholarships, all very important things, but boys...eh, boys could wait, I figured.  Boys could wait until I got everything together.  Plus, who would want a high school boy when you could just wait a bit longer and have a college boy, with all the fun that comes along with them?  Pretty obvious choice if you ask me.

So, there I was.  In college.  All my work had paid off.  I was at a private college, far enough away from home to have the college experience, but just close enough to have a safety net, if necessary.  Surrounded by college boys.  And what did I do?  Focus on school...again.  Not that focusing on education isn't worthy or commendable, of course it is.  I graduated with honors with a degree in the field I wanted to spend my career.  But, I was alone.  Don't think for a second that I wasn't interested in guys, I was.  Dramatically so.  On a few particular ones at that.  But, I kept my eye on the prize, which was that diploma, and rarely let it stray to the guys waiting around it with their hands in the air, going "Uh, Melanie?  Would you like to take a break from studying and go to dinner?"  I figured, college guys are fun but who wants a college guy when I can just wait a little bit longer and have a real, working, full grown man?  Uh, yes please.  But, I waited myself right into Singledom.

I think part of my problem now, as I am technically and on paper an actual adult, rapidly approaching a decade of my life where childish behavior is looked at as a major character flaw and can no longer be written off with the "Well, she's only twenty-(insert year)," is that I didn't have those foundation-building experiences as a teenager.  I wasn't the normal, fickle sixteen-year-old bee-bopping from boyfriend to boyfriend or changing my interest type from week to week.  I didn't figure out the things that I want or don't want in a relationship early on.  So, unfortunately, I think I'm having to decipher those characteristics now when most people have gone through that process a long time ago.  And not just that...I don't know how to do this whole dating thing.  It has become painfully obvious as I seem to be entering "Serial First Dater" status, that I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm good at conversation, I am good at being to the date on time, I am good at dressing appropriately, smiling, laughing, but quickly find myself thinking, "Okay, what next?"  Do I automatically reference my preference for a second date?  Do I wait? Does the guy do that? Should he walk me to my car? Am I too old fashioned expecting him to open the door for me? Is the expectation on the guy to call me within 48 hours after the date if he's interested, or are those rules gone with the wind?  Are there rules at all anymore?  Does anybody know?  Am I the only one who's clueless?

Although I don't think I've stumbled across Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now quite yet, I'm nervous that when I do, I'll hit the speed bump of my own inexperience and do something horribly wrong, ruining what could be a wonderful thing.  Like "Sliding Doors," what if we were destined for greatness, but one poorly timed phone call or my hesitation to stick to tradition changes that path forever?

Sometimes I think my lack of experience also translates in my inability to know the difference between what is real and what isn't.  I think everyone's intentions are good, and that everyone's brains work the same way mine does.  If I act one way to you and you act that way back to me, then surely you must feel the same way I do.  I'm learning (slowly) that this isn't necessarily true.  I need more practice so that I can be a better judge.

Can you tell yet that I am Type A?  Yeah...I thought so.  Again, still wide open for suggestions.  You guys know that I am doing this to hear your opinions and suggestions right?  Keep 'em coming.






7 comments:

  1. Wow, reading over my last few posts, what a Debbie Downer I've been lately!! Hopefully I have some good, exciting, scandalous news to report soon! Keep your fingers crossed!

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  2. I love love your blog! I love the honesty and although I am not in the same position, I completely feel for you. You may be overanalyzing a tiny bit, but what happens will happen and you will meet that Mr. Right someday.

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  3. I think I am universally known for my ability to overanalyze! LOL I have been working on it, I promise! Thanks for the compliments! I like yours too, I'm adding you to my blogroll!

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  4. I had the same high school/college experience--I was more of a bookworm than a social butterfly and as a result had no idea where to start looking to get a date and such high standards that I really didn't try to look. All I can say is that when the time is right, things will start to fall into place and you'll be surprised at how natural it feels to be in the relationship you find yourself in :-)

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  5. I'm figuring, with so many people telling me that, it can't be wrong! Still holding out hope, despite all this drama!

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  6. THIS. This is my story. This is my problem. It's so hard to start dating in your mid-twenties, when it feels like everyone else has it all figured out, and you don't have a clue - especially when you're a type A who second-guesses your every move.

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  7. @Anonymous, it's good to know that I wasn't the only one with this life story!

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