Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Talking a big game?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm all talk. Being a Communications major, aspiring writer, proofreader-extraordinaire, and known for running up a phone bill faster than lightning, it's safe to say that I can talk and communicate. Talk and communicate effectively. Having been in the fundraising profession for a little while now, I can not only communicate effectively but can convince effectively as well. So effectively that people give money to whatever cause I'm talking up. So, how good am I? Good enough to convince myself of something that isn't necessarily the truth?
I worry that, as I venture off down this new path of independence, self-discovery, and newness, that I have convinced myself that this is going to be easy. So far, it hasn't been that tough, honestly. I've put myself out there, dangled my lure over the giant sea of other fish and gotten a few bites. Simple enough. But, I'm nervous.
What if I get out there, and it's really hard? What if I have no idea what I'm doing outside of the comforts of my usual-ness? How has all this transition from Singledom to Coupledom been so easy for so many other people? Can it truly be that old standby "It's easy when it's right?" Or...have I just started questioning the ease of the whole transition because almost every other couple-like relationship in my life has been a struggle? Maybe I'm just used to it being difficult and can't possibly imagine that it might, in fact, be easy with someone. What happens if I've convinced myself that it's so easy and jump into something that's wrong? Odds of the game, you say. I know...and the odds aren't in my favor.
I don't know, do you think that these questions are any indicator of a fear of commitment? I'm pretty sure that I'm ready to do that when it's right. Wait...there's that "right" word again. I think it's just a fear of the unknown. There is sort of a darkness after the initial steps of dating in the linear progression of my mind. And I honestly think it's because I thought I had all that behind me. I had a mental image of what I thought was going to happen and now I have to erase all those chapters and start over, writing the book of my life with new characters, new interactions and new plotlines. That's hard when you thought you might have had it all typed up, bound, published and wrapped with a bow.
I'm still moving in the right direction but feel like I've stalled out a bit. I need a jumpstart, and I'm sure I'll be fine. Maybe it's my Type A personality...another dominant trait for Communications majors. I've been told before that I'm worried if I don't have anything to worry about. Maybe I'll relax...maybe.