Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Healthy Helping of Veritaserum

As I am sure you are all well aware, I've been working through a lot of stuff lately.  Good stuff, bad stuff...stuff.  It gives me a headache just thinking of all the stuff I've been processing over the last few weeks.  And thanks to you all, I think I've been able to look at things from more than just my little limited view of the world as I know it.

Last night, some more reality hit me and my overanalyzing-self decided it was time to take a look at what was going on and determine just how far I'd come.  Truth be told, I'm not sure what I discovered.

To be honest with you, I don't know if my heart, head and body are all on the same page.  Let's start with the loudest, most boisterous of the three:  my heart.  This unfailingly optimistic organ tells me that everything is going to work out the way I want it to and that my Prince Charming (when I envision this, he looks a lot like Prince William, but he's just a placeholder) will come galloping into my office one day, wink at me, pat the saddle seat behind him in encouragement for me to join him, and we will ride off into the sunset, never to be heard from again.  I'll be super impressed with him because he was able to get his galloping steed up a fire escape staircase or an elevator that usually only fits three human beings comfortably.  But, as I sat staring at the ceiling and watching the clock rapidly approach the ridiculous time I have to get up on weekday mornings, I wondered if my heart has been as resilient as I once thought.  Had the thousand shattered pieces mended nicely as I'd hoped or was it still cracked and chipped, just pretending to be fixed?  If I squinted hard enough, it looked whole again.  It at least resembled its old self...

To further dole out the honesty, my head tells me to stop torturing myself with this endless stream of non-descript emails and text messages with the same conversations, the same lines and the same characteristics.  The "blah, blah, blah" until we coordinate a meeting. I can't count the messages and comments I've received from anyone aware of my online dating presence that go something along the lines of "Why are YOU online dating? Surely with such a great (insert characteristic), you can easily find someone!" Sorting through profiles feels like job-hunting and reviewing their three basic parts:  photos, opening paragraph that almost always (as we talked about before) includes the line "I'm a laid back kind of guy," and the "What I'm looking for" section, gets monotonous.  If you've ever searched for a job, you can easily relate these to job descriptions. But, this latter section is amazingly similar from profile to profile.  We're all looking for the same thing, someone who gets our humor, makes us laugh and engages us in great conversation.  Period. Nobody puts "I want someone who likes to tie their shoelaces so tight their feet throb" or "I want a partner who will listen to records backwards with me to hear the hidden messages."  It just sometimes feels so hit or miss that it's hard not to cash in your chips and go home. 

Adding more truth to this heaping pile, my body has got this down pat.  I won't lie to you; I feel like I'm looking pretty good right now, probably the best I've looked in a long time.  I've got a brand new assortment of great fashion choices, I'm close to the possibility of being confused with the Coppertone Girl, and my hair is shiny and downright bouncy with volume.  I look the part.  I look like a girl on the market of love.  But, I'm worried I'm just going through the motions, doing all the things I know I need to do to be attractive, but not cutting the mustard when it comes to those other two pesky factors (see above).

Maybe I'm not ready to jump in head first into the pool of other Singletons.  Could it be that forcing myself into the deep end before I could swim was a recipe for failure? Flailing about in search of a life raft is not appealing.  Attention-getting, but not appealing. I know that I haven't been at this game long yet and it's entirely too early to make any rash decisions.  Could be fatigue from the cramming of what probably would have been months of pursuits in the real world into the last three weeks.  I don't intend to quit.  I can't.  I just hope that I haven't created a dating monster that just can't find what I'm looking for because I haven't cleaned up the wreckage from the past yet.  And all of this is with great timing mere hours before my date with Mr. Banderas!  Pep up, Singleton!  I spent too long on this makeup this morning to finish it off with a frown!

P.S. Without an at-home computer right now, no update on my date until Monday.  I know...pathetic.  Feel free to start the "Get Melanie a Computer" fundraiser outside your local Wal-mart.  Get some of those Girl Scouts to help...if they can talk people out of $3.50 for a box of 12 cookies, I'm sure they'd be stellar at this.

P.P.S. Bonus points to anyone who knows what veritaserum is.  I don't know what you'd do with those bonus points or even where they would get you, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing your pop culture references.  :)


  1. Melanie - I think you may have answered your own question today. I don't feel that you can enter into a new relationship until you let go of whatever is holding you down in your past. You will always compare the new men you are meeting to the past guy. You probably don't even realize you are doing this. Maybe you should start out enjoying your own company. Discover what a great person you are, without having to have a side kick. Find the person you really are...not the one you think someone wants you to be. Go meet Mr Banderas, enjoy your date.

    By the way, tomorrow is Thursday, so why can't we get a Friday update?

  2. I won't be at work tomorrow so no lunch break (or early lunch break in some cases) to type/vent/complain/rant tomorrow. Unless I can somehow manage to both limit my wordiness and type it into my Blackberry without my hands cramping up...we'll see! Maybe just a "thumbs up/thumbs down" approach for tomorrow and more to follow on Monday!

    Thanks for your insight. I think you might be right.

  3. I'm not sure if I agree with Anonymous. While no one wants to be compared to someone’s ex, it’s silly to think that it doesn’t (and isn’t) going to happen to some extent. We are the sum of our experiences. We use those experiences to determine who we are and how we interact with the world. Just don’t punish the NEW because of the OLD. “OMG you left the toilet seat up just like my ex did! And he left me for that floozy in Nicaragua SO YOU WILL TOO!”
    Certainly, there are stages of healing that relate what you are able to handle at any one point. And I know from experience that the "next step" that I feel comfortable taking can quickly feel overwhelming and totally NOT the thing to do. The opposite is true as well. Emotions are funny like that. A doesn’t always lead to B, C, and D.
    I’m not saying that people who are hurt in a relationship should just jump immediately to the next. That’s a personal choice that, if we are all honest with ourselves, we will probably struggle with numerous times. It’s sometimes necessary to stop and reflect on the essence of who you are, does it have to be at the cost of heart, head, and body all at the same time? If a child falls off a bike we bandage up their scrapes and help them get back on that bike. It doesn't mean they won’t fall down again.
    I choose to bandage up my scrapes and try to get back on that bike. Its better that I fall down a few more times than if I let it sit and never try for fear of getting hurt.

    Enjoy who you are, and don’t be afraid of taking any scrapes along the way.

  4. Remember the transition from little kid, to grown enough to make some important decisions? Well maybe you didn't have that time period but at some point your parents stopped fighting with you to get to bed at a certain time. They probably even used some reverse pschology and told you you could go to bed whenever you like as long as you did all your homework and were not late to school. Well I'm sure the first day you stayed up as late as humanly possible, when you realized that you were so tired that that was no good. So little by little you had a trial and error period to find that sweet spot between the old "rule" and your new found freedom.

    Well internet dating is like that. There's sooooooooooooo much to choose from that it can be overwhelming. Now you have millions to choose from as opposed to the tens of people you meet on a daily basis.

    At least for me I'm not convinced that the internet is the way to go. I still want to "bump" into the person that will be the love of my life. Ok, maybe very fairytale-esque but I say take a break from the internet. And just when you forget about it they will come a knockin.'

    Step away from the computer and go to coffe shops and bookstores and lounges and wherever it is you would meet someone if you did not have internet access.

    And you can always go back; but maybe it's good to spice it up a bit!?!


  5. I'm surprised no one has said the reference yet. But then again I guess not many people are Harry Potter nerds like I am.

    I think you're stepping into the right direction. You need to figure yourself out before fully being ready to get into a relationship.

  6. Hey! I left an award for you at my blog:

    Hope you like it!


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