Wednesday, February 1, 2012

First Date: Available Upon Request

All right, Singletons and Marrieds.  I know a few weeks ago I teased you with references to some scandalous encounters with serial texters, and I have yet to make good on that promise.  It's coming, friends.  Pinky swear.  I might even get inspired and go on a blogging tyraid!  But, tonight let's talk online dating profiles.

Now, we've had this conversation countless times and I've said it before - I am, by no means, an online dating profile writing expert.  Obviously... I'm still single.  If I had the inside track to all things electronically required to hook a man via cyberspace, this blog would have ceased to exist months ago.  But occasionally I stumble across a profile that is well worth sharing and I can't resist.

This morning, I got one of those lovely "Someone wants to meet you" emails from  I know, I know... I totally need to take my profile down.  It's generating nothing but blog material.  And some text messages that I wouldn't want anyone to find if I got hit by a car.  Most especially my mother.  "Excuse me, Mrs. Melanie's Mom.  Do you know why your daughter would have this (turns phone towards my mother) stored in her phone?," the officer would say.  There would be no response.  My mother would pass out cold.  Anyway.  I didn't recognize the screenname of my newest suitor, so I opened the link to his profile and scanned his photos.  Cute enough... several shots of him laughing and doing silly things, baseball hat with the logo from my favorite team (always a plus), running (my new favorite pastime), and drinking beer (well, duh..come on).  I scrolled down aimlessly to read the words in print that were meant to share with the world who he is and what he's looking for in a partner.  What I found is either the most comical satire in online dating history or a man who seriously does not want to date anyone and is somehow being forced into maintaining an online dating profile.  At gun point.

Enjoy friends:  (For those of you with sensitive eyes, be warned that the following is R-rated.  Funny, but dirty.)

About Me


Weight:_____ Height:_____ Age:_____

Breast Size: [_] Massive [_] Pretty Big [_] Average [_] Small [_] N/A

Do You Have Any Piercings? [_] Yes [_] No
If Yes, Where?_______________________________

Do You Have Any Tattoos? [_] Yes [_] No
If Yes, Where?_______________________________

First Name:__________________________________

(Please List Previous Boyfriends, Starting With The Most Recent)

Name--------Income--------Reason For Leaving----Still Obsessed?

________----___________---____________________--[_] Yes [_] No

________----___________---____________________--[_] Yes [_] No

________----___________---____________________--[_] Yes [_] No

________----___________---____________________--[_] Yes [_] No

# Of Men You Say You've Slept With:_____________________

Actual # Of Men You've Slept With:______________________

# Of Women You've Slept With:___________________________

[_] Yes [_] No : I Have Children
[_] Yes [_] No : I Have A Weird Scar Or Birthmark
[_] Yes [_] No : I Have Or Have Ever Had an STD
[_] Yes [_] No : I Want To Get Married In The Next Five Years
[_] Yes [_] No : I Often Burst Into Tears Over Meaningless Events
[_] Yes [_] No : I Have Male Friends Who Actively Try To Sleep With Me
[_] Yes [_] No : I Call My Mom More Than Once A Week
[_] Yes [_] No : I Am Opposed To Anal Sex

First Date
Available upon request

I'm ridiculously tempted to fill out his application with the most ridiculous responses that I can muster.  It would almost be harmless considering he lives three states away and is technically even outside of 'weekend get-away' driving distance.  To see him might always require boarding a plane.  And I'm thinking I'm not ready for that level on financial commitment regardless of how funny his profile may be.  It's going to have to be love for me to endure TSA pat-downs on a regular basis.  I'm also tempted to send him an application for boyfriend, with similar requests for size (including the "N/A," of course), a list of previous girlfriends to include a check box for whether or not they're still sleeping together in a 'friends with benefits' style relationship, and probably the same approach to the question about how many people he's slept with but definitely with the undertone that men exaggerate while women understate.  But, I'm having a hard time coming up with statements for the "Yes/No" section at the bottom.  Suggestions?


  1. This is too funny! You should respond, with the most comedic responses you can come up with...and I love the idea of sending an application to him.

  2. Absolutely, you should send an application to him.
    Here are some suggested questions:

    1. Do you put the toilet seat down? Yes/No

    2. How many times a week do you talk to your mother? (If more than 2, don't bother completing the rest of the application, because clearly you are a "mama's boy" and don't have time for a real relationship)

    3. What is your shoe size? (Because as we all know, size matters.....)

    4. What kind of car do you drive? (If it is anything before the year 2005 or resembles a candy red Camero, you clearly need to step up your game.)

    5. What is the proper use of "there" and "their"? (Proper grammar usuage is important for an educated man.)

    6. What do feel is the ideal "PUSH" gift for a woman who gives birth to your children? (Diamonds and expensive jewelry are always good choices for the woman who grew your spawn in her belly for 9 longs months only to have to endure immense pain to "PUSH" a basketball through her most private and small parts and then allow you periodic visits to those parts)

    7. What is your favorite breed of dog? (This tells a lot about a man. If you choose a minature poodle, you obviously have some gender identity issues.If you choose a Pit Bull, you might harbor anger issues, and if you choose a Bull Mastif, I am interested in getting to know you better--because you clearly are a "manly man.")

    8. Can you cook and clean? (As I am a thoroughly modern woman, I expect chores to be divided equally in a relationship)

    That's all for now, but if you want more that I am not willing to put in writing, stop by and I will share some other suggested completely inappropiate questions. You know where to find me.

  3. Love it! And also Big Texas' list of questions for him.

  4. "Do you shave every day during the week?" is a great indicator of how lazy he is, as is "How late do you sleep on the weekends?" I wish had included these two questions in their profile sometimes... LOL

  5. hahaha seriously I wanna use this application form ad give it to the man I'm chasing(?) haha right now.


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