"I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Cry"

For so long, I've lamented the woes of online dating purely from a female perspective.  Well, to be honest, the woes of dating in general.  Don't get me wrong, I've been completely open to hearing the male perspective, even inviting some testosterone to dabble in guest blogging with great success.  Some of the greatest conversations ever on this silly social commentary have included or been started by the male voice.  But, I never fully accepted that online dating could be as bad from the other side of the coin.  I figured that women were much less likely to do things like share too much information, rush to sexual innuendos or outright display crazy behavior.  Until today.



Men of Singledom, on behalf of my gender and my own previous naivety, I humbly apologize.

Online Dating Junk Mail

So, I'm not usually a fan of posting actual online dater information or messages on here.  I just kind of feel like that's a bit, I don't know, creepy...?  Sort of like I'm invading their world.  They candidly post things about themselves in pursuit of a potential mate, so who I am to share that with the whole non-online-dating world? 

After reading the message I received this morning, I threw that baby out with the bath water. 

Let's talk, Singletons.  Why, oh why, do people make up fake online dating profiles?  What could possibly be the benefit?  They kind of remind me of those emails you get from Princess Nathumala of Nigeria who has two million dollars she wants to leave you in her will but needs you to forward your bank account information to her so she can bequeeth it to you.  Seriously?  Does anyone fall for this?  And what does the "online dater" get out of it if I respond to him/her/it?  Are there people out there that would believe that the photograph posted is the actual person and could someone be so swayed by said photograph that they'd be willing to send them money or something?  That's the only factor I can come up with in my limited scope of the online con-artist world.  Let's go through this particular scammers interaction with me one ridiculously horrible line at a time: (Wait, first, don't skip ahead, but take a gander at the photograph that was actually included on this profile.  This joker wants me and others to believe that this is really him, when I'm pretty sure this is a Lands End ad from their website advertising that scarf... or those shoes...or something.)

Screenname:  sodiq (say what? If I'm reading this phonetically, I'm a bit worried.)

31, florida (just Florida in general?  Like, the whole state?)
Seeking women, 30-99 (Uh...wow. I wonder what made him decide on 30 as the starting point.  If you're willing to go all the way to 99, you'd think a 27 year old would still qualify.  Guess not.)

Education: Masters (setting the bar pretty high here, bud.  We'll see...)

Height: >5' (>152 cm) (wait...what?!  The guy on the suitcase patiently awaiting his arriving train [or his frat brother to pick him up after he got evicted...that hand truck behind him is a dead giveaway] looks a tab bit taller than the average American fifth grader.  Just saying.)
MY IDEAL PARTNER
•Is between 30 and 99 years old.
•Never smokes.
•Can have kids living at home.
•Minimum education: Masters. (damn... I'm out of the running.)

Subject: hello dear (really?)

Sent: 5/20/2011 6:27:39 AM

how are you doing?am mark simply minded person,easy going,lovely,caring,friendly,trustworth and I no that ? are my right soul mate.so ? can mail me mark/scolt/at/yahoo/com.Am waiting for your reply THANK. MARK ( #1. If one more man tells me that I'm his soul mate during our first conversation, I'm joining a convent.  That's all there is to it.  #2. Sweet baby Jesus, the grammar and spelling and blatant misuse of the English language... Masters degree? No "English is not my first language" way.)


Okay...


At this point, I haven't taken down this account simply to maintain the constant stream of ridicule inducing communication and fabulous blog material.  Thankfully, it's free, but consider me your middle man of comedy.  Happy to help.