Batter Up!

*Disclaimer: Although this post may seem pretty ominous and negative (or you could say bitter, but we'll talk about that tomorrow), I want to reiterate the "with me" part.  I, by no means, suggest that the following are criteria used by women as an entire species.  Just little old (dateless at the moment!) me.   Since I have before listed the qualifications to date me, I thought it would only be right to also list things that are never going to work if you are interested in spending five minutes with me in the romantic sense...you know, in the interest of being fair and balanced.

Top Three Ways Not to Get a Date With Me:

1. You will not get a date with me if you stalker call me.
   Let's say that days ago I gave Mr. Military my phone number in an attempt to get him to communicate with me in something other than two word responses to my questions, but never heard from him.  All of a sudden, I start getting strange text messages from some unknown Yahoo services.  Of course, being the cynic that I am, I don't respond to unknown texts or phone numbers.  Then yesterday, I got a phone call from the same landline phone number that belonged to some name I had never heard of (oh yes, I white-page reverse searched that joker!), so I didn't respond.  On my drive home, several times while I was on the phone with someone else, this unknown number called me again.  Four times.  In twenty minutes.  On the third attempt, the individual left a voicemail, but then called again within two minutes.  Later, I checked to see who would be on the wrong end of my restraining order to learn that it was, in fact, Mr. Military.  "Uh, just seeing if you wanted to talk," he said in a strange tone that sounded as though he was trying to increase the manliness of his voice.  Strike one.
2. You will not get a date with me if you can't hold a conversation that does not involve sexual undertone/overtones.Oh...Mr. Italian.  Mr. Italian and your smooth talking ways with your crazy cute face.  I was a bit smitten for your seductive style at the onset.  It had been a while since a man of your physical attractiveness had "spoken" (the quotation marks indicate sarcasm, I should technically say "texted") to me like that, so I was easily convinced that you would receive high marks in the date-able category.  However, I've come to believe that dating is not at all what you're interested in, and since I'm not after what you are, we probably shouldn't waste each other's time.  As the ink dries on the papers ending your first nuptials, you're looking for some fun, single time, while I'm looking to leave Singledom behind in my dust.  Strike two.
3. You will not get a date with me if you cannot keep me engaged in a conversation.If you have to send me "Are you still there?" text messages, it's not because I'm being rude.  It is usually because I can't think of a reply to "I had a good day, thanks" for what feels like the 345th time in the last week.  I consider myself to be a highly effective communicator and am usually not at a loss for words (clearly), so if you are able to stump me into silence, that is a talent that I'm not interested in learning more about or continuing to be a part of.  Mr. Nick@Nite, despite coming out of the gate strong with strange unusual  new interests, you didn't hold onto me.  I lost hold somewhere back in the discussion of genealogy, or history, or comic books, or something and never jumped back on board.  And unfortunately, stating "I can't wait to meet you" six times in two weeks, however nice to hear the first time, isn't very convincing when it isn't followed with a date, time and location.  Strike three.

They're out.