Vicious Cycle

Sometimes men are amazing to me.  I take that back.  Certain men are always amazing to me.  I do love men in general.  I love the way they talk, move, act, look, feel, smell (and by "smell" I mean cologne, because I'm not a fan of the men who think it's attractive not to wear deodorant because it's the "natural man scent" or other silly excuses to have bad hygiene...I do enjoy it sometimes after a guy has spent a long day doing yard work...but that's a whole different topic and I'm trying to remain credible here), work, protect, admire, show emotion, don't show emotion...  I heart men.  But, read that first sentence with sarcasm, and you'll catch my drift for this particular topic. 

As you're well aware, I have cautiously re-entered the world of online dating.  Cautiously and skeptically.  I'm still holding out that I'm attractive, engaging and personable enough to meet someone in real life, but thinking that online dating will give me better practice towards achieving that goal.  Kind of like going to interviews for jobs you don't want just so you can become better versed at answering the questions.  So far (24 hours), Plentyoffish.com is the only source for these electronic connections.  I definitely feel the New Girl in Town syndrome again as my "People Who Viewed You" section has been increasing faster than the national debt calculator. 

I love "People Who Viewed You" sections.  Why? I'll be happy to share.  It takes some of the pressure off.  It reminds me of when I used to work in sales.  Cold calling a client was so much harder if they'd never heard of you.  Walking in off the street and trying to wrangle some money out of a small business owner's hands in exchange for some intangible product that was going to increase their sales is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Don't get me wrong, I kicked butt.  I just hated that feeling of the unknown reaction.  But, had someone come in before me and said "Oh, you need to talk to Melanie; she's got a great product for you; I'm going to tell her to come see you" then watch out.  I could take that place by storm.  "People Who Viewed You" is kind of like that friend who name-dropped for you.  They've checked me out already and did one of two things:  either they ran screaming and couldn't click the close button fast enough or they were nervous or hesitant about being the first to communicate.  Being the great communicator that I like to pretend to be, I have no problems breaking the ice.  So, if they've viewed me, we seem to be a match and they're not hard on the eyes, I drop them a line.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  But, I like the odds better than cold calling.

I'm sure you're wondering what the above two paragraphs have in common.  Again, I'm more than happy to explain.  Today, I logged into my account on Plentyoffish.com to continue the endless stream of witty banter with Mr. Hangover (we'll get to this in a minute) and noticed, as I said earlier, the impressive amount of views I had received since last night.  But, one face kept popping up over and over again with multiple views.  A face that I clearly recognized.  I threw myself back in my car and cackled maniacally.  Mr. Braves Fan.

Mr. Braves Fan and his false photos have reemerged.  I'll give him credit, he's sticking to those photos that range from birth to the adulthood of some strange unknown man that doesn't even closely resemble him in the flesh.  Mr. Braves Fan, who took me out to dinner (another one that made me drive halfway around the state) and then didn't even respond to my "Had a nice time, thank you" email.  Ever.  He never even closed me as a match, just let me sit out there dangling in No Man's Land.  Again, not that I was overly distraught, there was no physical attraction whatsoever and his attitude-laced response to how long I'd taken in the bathroom (I drove 45 minutes to get there! And forgive me if I have the bladder of an ant!) of "I had to start playing a game on my iPhone to occupy myself" sort of enforced the fact that this guy wasn't going to make any more progress towards Coupledom with me. And I swear I wasn't doing the bathroom-"rescue me"-phone call.  But, he really taught me a lesson that these are human beings that I'm meeting out here, not just photos and profiles.  Treating people with common courtesy regardless of how you felt or didn't feel should be a regular part of online dating.  I sat through a reasonably painful dinner where I had to drive the entire conversation which centered mostly on his father's local political campaign, his dislike of our current president (dangerous first date material) and how he works for an insurance company that tracks hurricanes, typhoons and other natural disasters to assess the risk and vulnerability of their clients.  Initially I thought this interesting tidbit would spark some conversation, so I jumped all over it and asked if he knew that earthquakes or hurricanes were coming before the mainstream did.  Nope.  Silly question, Melanie. No such conversation-luck.  But, I think my efforts to create a social situation were at least worth an acknowledgement of my existence if not a "thanks, but no thanks" response.  I'm torn as to what I want to happen next.  Do I want him to write to me so I can either ignore him or tell him that I'm not interested, but am giving him more courtesy than he gave me?  Or do I want him to stop looking at my profile and just go away?

Update on Mr. Hangover.  He's clever.  He's witty.  He's definitely creative.  He's taken me on a strange journey through the inner workings of his humor.  But, I think the most that's happening here is a challenge of wits.  He's good...he may have me beat.  I'll keep you posted.  I've also managed to snag myself another texter, who probably won't even make it to blog monicker status.  In response to a carefully written introduction email with actual sentences on my part, I got his phone number and "use it if you like to text."  Dear God.

When Blogging Gets Personal

I feel like I'm re-learning everything I thought I was an expert on as far as communication goes over the last couple of weeks.  I'm definitely learning that there are a lot of differences in how people communicate and the levels of expectation that people have from me in this whole crazy dating process.  Let me update you...

So, since we began, you've met Mr. Saturday, Mr. Braves Fan, Mr. Banderas and Mr. Dalton, all worthy in their own special ways.  We all agreed weeks ago now to just write off Mr. Saturday and his rude way of ignoring my basic communication.  I didn't write about it (because honestly, there was nothing really worth talking about!), but I met Mr. Braves fan almost a week ago now.  "Braves Fan" was about his only characteristic of note, besides his mentioning of "fake boobs" within the first three minutes of our meeting and his willingness to share his opinion on homosexuals.  He was extremely and obviously nervous, which surprisingly made me less nervous.  He was very skilled in the interview-style, firing range approach to first meeting questioning, so I'm assuming that this was not his first trip down Match Meeting Lane.  There was nothing overly charismatic or appealing about him and conversely nothing horrible or detestable.  However, as the inspiration for my recent posting about attraction, I was entirely and thoroughly blown away by the fact that this man did not in any way, shape or form, even resemble the photographs that he posted on his profile.  Even the photos themselves looked as though they were of various people after further scrutiny.  Had he not recognized me when he arrived at the restaurant, I would have completely overlooked him, sitting patiently in the lobby waiting for someone I thought would look like the Mr. Braves Fan I had seen online.  Further review after the meeting confirmed that one of the photos could have been him, but maybe ten or twelve years ago.  Not acceptable.  So, a week later and still nothing from him.  Hopefully he found me as equally uninteresting.

Let's continue.  Mr. Dalton, as you'll recall, has been in and out of the picture for several months now, and as I learned this weekend, has read my blog.  That's fine.  I'm also assuming that he's intelligent enough to have figured out that he is, in fact, Mr. Dalton.  Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but I feel like I am just being honest and chronicling my pursuits, without slandering or being malicious.  At least, I'm trying my best.  Well, apparently, Mr. Dalton read something that he did not find appealing and became pretty aggravated with me that I seem to be so busy here lately.  After trying to coordinate a time to meet him later this week, he sent me the "throwing in the towel" text message, but complimented me on my "awesomeness" with my blog.  Although, I personally don't think that was coincidental at all, feel free to make of that what you will.  He told me he was frustrated with me because I didn't want to talk on the phone prior to our meeting (I mean, what would we talk about upon meeting if we used up all our good intro-conversation on the phone? I don't think that's an unreasonable request) and that he couldn't share his emotions with me via text or email.

Am I wrong in thinking that an electronic relationship shouldn't involve emotions?  Maybe that's why none of these endeavors has been successful for me at this point.  My texts and emails aren't bursting with emotion, which would be fabricated anyway.  Am I wrong in thinking that someone you meet online, having never seen in person shouldn't have emotions to convey?  I just can't wrap my brain around which emotion he would share with me at this point.

After wishing him luck in his pursuit of happiness, which would no longer include me for obvious reasons, I sat wondering if my blogging would lead to my downfall.  Is it good and productive for me to continue to share the in's and out's of this silliness with the world or is it setting me up for a disaster if read by the wrong person?  What if I find The Man of My Dreams and he reads this blog, only to discover some dealbreaker and leave me right back where I started, as a Singleton?  What if he thought he was the only one in my scope to find out that I had been seeing other people when we met?  Food for thought...  Now, Mr. Dalton's choice of words and rash decision was a bit more critical than I intended to see past, so his dislike of anything he read was not bearing on my decision.  I was thinking more in terms of future meetings.  But, honestly, I think that I am simply being honest.  For once in my life, I'm not hiding the fact that I'm struggling with this process or the fact that I'm not focused on one particular match, which is absurd this early in the game.  I'm not hiding the fact that I have been successful in almost every other thing I've tried in my entire life except dating.  And I'm learning as I'm going.  And getting the helpful insight of friends, new and old. 

So, while Mr. Dalton was struggling with expressing his emotions via text message on Saturday night, unwilling to schedule a time that worked for both of our schedules, I was utilizing my newly freed time and coordinating a meeting with Mr. Banderas, who has absolutely no problem with communicating in any form I'm comfortable with.  He seems excited about meeting and as non-chalant about the whole thing as I am.  As always, I'll continue to keep you posted because I have no intention of editing myself or this blog.  My pondering quickly led to brief laughter followed by contemplation of my next installment.  :)

P.S. Mr. Too Many Words has popped back on the scene.  He sent me a very (what I'm hoping was) witty email on Saturday that simply contained a question mark.  He continues to call me "Melly," much to my chagrin.

The Bylaws of Attraction

So, let's say, hypothetically, you meet someone new for a "blind" date.  The quotation marks shall imply that you have previously seen a photograph...keep reading to find out why that is an integral part of this post at this point.  You go into the situation with no expectations (remember?...we talked about that) and no preconceived judgments.  You're a blank slate, waiting for someone to scribble out their pros and cons, in a nice orderly list of course, so that you can make a judgment call as to whether or not this person is worthy of receiving more of your time and attention. 

Let's further say, first, that this person has absolutely no "wow factor" nor does he/she inspire feelings of impending doom.  You don't want to rush to the bathroom and call your best friend to say "Oh my gosh, he/she could be The One," nor do you want to run from the restaurant screeching for the nearest cop to come rescue you from what will surely turn out to be the plot of the next great Lifetime movie.  He/She was just kind of...vanilla.  Personality wise.

Okay, now let's switch gears.  What if there is absolutely no physical attraction?  What if you sat through the entire "date" (wow, lots of quotation marks in this one...maybe that says something about my life) wondering if you could possibly ever be physically attracted to this person?  Now, I know I am going to get my hand slapped on this one.  Especially since I am no Playboy model myself, but I feel as though I should at least think that my partner is attractive.  Even if it's the "He's so cute in a (nerdy),(dorky),(goofy) sort of way."  And I know that I'm going to get some responses insisting that I give it time, get to know him, blah blah blah.  But even if there wasn't so much as one redeeming attractive quality?  At all?  I mean, nothing, people.  Nothing.  I know in just the couple of hours I sat with him that he is a very nice guy.  I know that he was nervous, which surprisingly made me less nervous.  There just wasn't really anything...anything to describe or want more details about to inspire another meeting. 

How long do you think is the appropriate time to spend with someone before you just chalk it up to a lack of attraction?  How important is physical attraction, in all honesty?  I know that we all walk around with our politically correct responses of "it's what's inside that counts," and I do agree with that sentiment.  If you look like Bradley Cooper but have the personality of a dead leaf, then eventually, your chiseled, perfect looks aren't going to cut it.  Eventually.  We might have a lot of fun for a while, and I know I'd truly enjoy showing you off to every girl in high school who looked down her nose at me, but a lifetime connection...probably not.  On the other hand, if you're cute and have a great personality and keep me laughing and have some interesting qualities, I will think you're gorgeous within a matter of days. I can actually prove that in my history of interests. 

[Random interjected sidenote:  I almost forgot I was going to explain to you the quotation marks around the word blind above.  Ah-hem.  Let me see how to put this mildy.  These guys are deceiving.  I don't know how they're doing it, but they are managing to somehow post pictures of themselves that look only moderately similar to how they actually look, and that's a stretch.  I'll be honest, my pictures are selected based on how I feel I look in them.  Obviously, I'm not going to post the one from Christmas morning in my new snowman pajamas with my hair in a ponytail and a makeup-less face.  But, I look like my pictures.  These gentlemen, uh, do not. Done with sidenote.] 

Here's the most important part of this post, and I am completely serious when I say that I want responses, comments, critiques, insults, compliments, whatever you're inspired to share with me after reading this question.  Without caving to the socially expected response, how many times would you go out with someone that you felt no physical attraction to upon meeting?

First Date Fever

With me, when it rains, it pours.  After years of an intense drought as far as men go, this week I have too many to handle!  Looking back, the quick exit of Mr. Saturday may have been a blessing in disguise, because quite honestly, he would have lost out to my options this week on almost every level anyway. 

After several email communications and a few days of text messaging, Mr. Braves Fan is quite interested in meeting up for dinner or drinks after work.  He seems very impressed with me, unlike Mr. Saturday, and was crazy considerate and friendly, for as much as you can tell via messages limited to 160 characters on a handheld communication device.  And, after literally months of on-again-off-again communication, Mr. Dalton is also asking for a few minutes of my time to get to know me better.  Mr. Dalton was a match during another "I'm fed up with my life, what am I going to do about it?" stage when I was willing to pay almost $60 a month to change it and became a member on eHarmony about eight or nine months ago.  We were matched right at the completion of both of our memberships and then caught up through facebook.  The communication slowly dwindled, but he popped back up in my matches this go-round, and I guess he also thought it was too coincidental to overlook.  Mr. Banderas, named such for his Antonio-like good looks, has been emailing and very chatty, but we haven't conversed about taking it to the in-person stage just yet...but I think I can see it in the very near future.  Whew!  And keeping them all straight has not been easy!  Half the reason for this blog posting is so that I can try to get a mental handle on all these details...

One thing that I've come across in my electronic journey to coupledom is the different ways that people are comfortable communicating.  I've decided, despite any male protestations to the contrary, to utilize the female's prerogative and not actually speak on the phone with any of my potential matches until we've met face-to-face.  Weird? Yeah, probably.  Especially considering that I was a communications major in college and should be able to handle such basic interactions. But, I've noticed something especially fascinating about myself.  I'm a such an old fashioned girl.  Although I'm literally forcing myself into this strange social sphere of internet friend-raising, mentally, I'm staying true to the way I want things to be deep down:  The Old Fashioned Way.  Sure, I'll find out you exist on this planet by reading your "About Me" section of a webpage, but I want to meet you in person before I'm expected to carry on a conversation on the phone longer than "Can you meet at 7:00 pm on Saturday?"  Talking to someone I don't know at all on the phone is awkward.  And an awkward beginning, to me, leaves a lasting impression.  I'm so much better in person than I am on the phone, that I don't want to jeopardize what could turn out to be a wonderful time with a bad phone call full of awkward pauses, probably due to the other person glancing back to my online profile to find something to ask me about to generate conversation. 

Do I deserve this new found attention? Heck yes! Can I handle it? Uh...I don't know! I love the fact that I have some irons in the fire but am a little bit scared as to whether or not I might get burned by all this. These new guys are all very different, which I know is good because it makes the playing field level. They all have equal opportunity to impress me with their own individuality, and I have the chance to say "Wow, I really like this guy for X quality," having never known that was something that interested me since I was cooped up in my little single world for so long. Options are good. What are the rules though? Should I just be focused on one of my new matches at a time?  Or should I keep the mix and be fun, single Melanie for once?  We'll see how much of those communications classes stayed in my long-term memory and whether or not that memory is good enough to keep all these guys straight, because I'm going with Fun, Single Melanie and throwing myself into this game, whole-heartedly.