Ashton Kutcher? Is that you?

Am I being punked?  Am I on some sick reality show or something?  Is there a "Candid Camera" episode being filmed and I'm the only one that doesn't know about it?

Remember Mr. Too Many Words?  I must be a glutton for punishment.  Or maybe I just keep giving people the benefit of the doubt because I'm starting to realize that not everyone out there in the giant internet world is on the same page as I am with this whole online dating thing.  After I pretty inconspicuously offered to give Mr. Too Many Words my phone number, but only after he requested it, I got an email two days later with nothing but a question mark, as I mentioned yesterday.  So, I pondered how to respond to that.  Should I ignore it as an obvious attempt to continue our "conversation" without actually making any effort?  Or should I give him some slack and consider that maybe he's just not a master of the English language?  I decided to go with the latter, but with an asterisk, of course.  I responded as effortlessly as I could muster with just a small helping of sarcasm.  I told him that I hadn't responded to him quite yet because I hadn't figured out how to do so without using words, but obviously he had mastered the art.  Well, that did it.  The words started flowing.  He started asking me questions, "what are you up to, Melly?," "how are you this evening, Melly?," "what do you like to do for fun, Melly?," all the while I'm suppressing my aggravation factor at the continued use of the version of my name that usually requires permission for use.  I'm picking my battles.  I respond lightheartedly, not sharing too much considering I was already slapped on the wrist for using words that were longer than five letters.  At one point I decided it was time for me to start being an equal portion of this conversation again, and I re-asked one of my original questions:  "What do you like to do in your off-time?"  Now, I have no idea what this guy does for a living or really anything about him at this point.  We've exchanged maybe 5 emails, which included my initial "wordy" introductions and his use of a punctuation mark as text.  His response...well...how can I put this?...caught me off guard.

Mr. Too Many Words, although I doubted this fact at first, has a fine grasp of our language.  The response to my question that he felt appropriate is as follows (now this is a direct quote, I swear, no editing, adding, obviously no embellishing, etc.):

"well, i like to watch all kinds of sports and play them. i like to soak in the jacuzzi. i like to enjoy a beautiful day and i wish i could say sex but i havent had sex in 3 years."

Not kidding.  Now, I don't know about you, but in my pursuit of a mate, I'm looking for a gentleman who likes to have fun.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want a stick in the mud, by any means.  But, uh, don't you agree with me that this response is a bit inappropriate?  Let's start at the beginning (completely overlooking the lack of correct capitalization or punctuation).  Who tells someone they like to "soak in the jacuzzi?" (I know, you thought I was going there first, didn't you? Nope...saving that one.)  If I don't know you, I don't need that kind of visual...yet.  "A beautiful day..."  Aww.  Sweet.  "I wish I could say..." Wait, what? I mean, honestly, I am speechless regarding the last sentence of this email.  I couldn't get this kid to share with me what he did for a living, but attempting to engage me with a completely inappropriate detail about his sex life is no problem?!?  I may have used "entirely too many words" in my introduction, but at least I didn't share completely personal, semi-repulsive information with a complete stranger.

So, I'm tempted to go one of two ways with my response (because this is entirely too good NOT to respond).  First, I am contemplating fullfilling every woman's dream of outright telling this guy that, if this is his "game," it ain't gonna cut it.  I may owe this to female kind and be obligated to take this path in order to hold on to my membership in the Girls Club.  I can't imagine most girls would be impressed with this fact let alone enticed to continue the relationship.  After the initial shock wore off (after re-reading twice, just to be sure..."yup, that's what he said"), the wonder about the reason for the lack thereof set in.  And I have a pretty vivid imagination.  Second, I am completely tempted to respond with something off the wall and shocking myself.  Completely made up of course, but what a prime opportunity to hone my creative skills.  A door swinging wide open to see just how far I can push the envelope, if you catch my drift.  Heck, there are no drifts to catch here, people.  I'd write back with something even more inappropriate than what he sent me.  Just for giggles.  Of course, only because he has absolutely no way of contacting me outside of the confines of Match.com and doesn't know my first name, let alone where I live.

I thought about this for a long time last night.  It's mind boggling to me that there are people just out there for what it seems Mr. Too Many Words is fishing for.  Especially that they are paying for a service to meet other like-minded folks!  It makes sense now though, he obviously isn't interested in what I have to say, words would simply be getting in his way.  He doesn't need to talk to get what he's looking for!

All these shenanigans have got me wondering if I'm literally going to breathe a huge sigh of relief when I meet someone who even resembles normal.  I better make sure I have a breath mint.