The Tenth Circle of Hell: Online Dating Emails

Over the last few weeks, I've maintained a pretty steady presence on Plentyoffish.com.  Because it's free, my profile just stays out there and occasionally, I'll check out the "Who's Viewed You" section.  In the last few days, something has happened to promote me to some unknown status, causing me to receive an influx of random introduction emails.  I haven't changed my profile or my picture, which are usually actions to increase your viewership because they catapult you to the top of the list of those maintaining active profiles on the site.  I haven't been overly ambitious with my own introduction emails, so I'm not really sure what has caused this recent flooding of my inbox. 

Why are you complaining, you ask?  Because they're all ridiculous.  Just a few days ago, I went very sincerely to a friend and appealed to her to please, for the love of God, tell me if I was being pranked.  Tell me, I begged her, just the fact that all of this was a joke, I didn't need to know the culprit, just the confirmation that none of these online dating shenanigans were real.  Although I'm sure she was quite entertained by my lamentations, she could not in fact confirm that the absurdity was a cruel joke.  As they continued to pour in, I was tempted to write back to all of them and ask if they'd read a book on all the ways to be unsuccessful at online dating, but felt that such communication would probably only encourage them to continue pursuing me because it's highly doubtful they've ever received a response for any woman.

I'll start with the lesser offenders and work my way up to the true criminals.  I've actually been attempting communication with two guys on this particular website lately and have been exchanging emails.  The first one is a moderately attractive guy who I've mentioned in previous posts who only responds to my few questions with one-liners, never asking me anything about myself or even making the slightest effort towards conversation.  He never provides details of anything, and I know almost nothing about him other than where he works.  I got fed up a while ago and stopped trying to force conversation on him.  Three days passed between his one-liners when I received a note asking what I was looking for out of Plentyoffish.com.  Finally!  A question!  I replied and gave him a second chance at conversation, asking him the same question.  He replied "A woman to date."  Dead serious.  Then three days later, I received another one liner:  "We should meet."  Really?  Should we?  Because I'm not sure.  I have no reason to want to meet him other than a photograph that I have learned may or may not actually be him.  We've communicated for weeks at this point and he's never asked for my phone number or even made an effort to ask me anything about myself.  I mustered up the energy to write him back and told him that I was a rather traditional girl who liked to be asked out.  Two days later he said, "What are you doing on Saturday?"  That was this morning.  Although I'm a firm believer in rejecting last minute requests from complete strangers and this isn't even really a request to go out, I haven't been on a date now in going on a month.  My track record is diminishing quickly.  But, in the back of my mind I am also tired of being the one that has to put forth the effort single-handedly.  Instead of committing one way or another, I wrote back just now asking him what he had in mind.  I'm cringing each time my inbox alerts me to a new message.  Maybe I should just say no...


My future.


Then, we have Mr. Disney.  He sent me a rather lengthy introduction email sharing his good qualities and expressing that he hoped he'd hear back from me because "you never know, I might be the one."  Why?  Why did I fall for this cheesy overly familiar line in an introduction email?  He had several red flags right off the bat.  Four of his five profile pictures are him in various locations at Disney World, three of which he is wearing Mickey Mouse ears.  His second email to me told me at ridiculous length full descriptions of his favorite Disney movies and how he prefers to spend his evenings watching them and his other favorite movies, the Twilight series.  Falling into my "benefit of the doubt" pitfall yet again, I continued to correspond with him until I got very busy and missed one day of communicating.  (Honestly, I wasn't avoiding him...yet.)  You can slap me if I'm lying; he sent me three messages throughout that day (literally lunch time to 5:00) all of which simply said "I hope you're having a good day."  Three.  In rapid fire succession.  I think we've talked about the "I hope you're having a good day" texts and emails before on here, so I won't continue to bore you with my rants of such over-familiarity.  I've officially decided and let this serve as a formal announcement that I don't think I even want my husband to ever send me "I hope you're having a good day" texts or emails.  And if he does, I want him to come up with different words to use.  Because at this point, these just make me mad.  Three different sendings makes me think this is his way of rubbing in my face that I haven't written him back in a time span that he feels appropriate and makes me want to block him with no explanation.  Or write him back with a very graphic and detailed list of all the reasons I was not, in fact, having a good day that day.  I mean, if we're at that level of comfort, he should be prepared for such rants, should he not?  Urgh.  I love Disney and all and was the first one to think Disney cruises could be a lot of fun for adults, too, but I'm not spending my Friday nights curled up with my  Mickey Mouse ears and a worn out copy of The Fox & The Hound.  Just saying.
Next, we have...well, hell, I don't even have a name for him.  Today's culprit.  I don't even think I'm going to comment on him, I'll just let you read his actual letter to me:

 Hi Am William Michael by Name i was glancing through your profile and i discover that i am interested in meeting you.please kindly reply me so know each other.thanks.Williams.

For real.  For.  Real.  Just for continued giggles, I checked out his actual profile.  Besides the fact that one of his profile pictures actually has a watermark in the center and the words "Stock Photo" along the bottom, he included this lovely little communication-inspiring line.  I'm sure girls all over Singledom are throwing themselves at him.

The woman of my dream should be tolerant and also submissive to me and also Hard working.

Moving on...

to the highest offender of late.  The worst, most unattractive thing to do in the online dating game.  Three days ago, I received an email from a man twice my age who decided that he would appeal to me by composing an email that bashed everything in my profile that I said I was interested in.  The most heinous of these bashings was his opening line telling me that my beloved Atlanta Braves did not stand a chance in this season's playoffs.  He continued to provide me with elaborate details of why he was sure that they would go down in three games and how futile it was for me to even consider them a contender.  He used correct baseball terminology so he obviously knows the game, but he referred to several players as "freaks" and then asked me to help him out with the name of "that short outfielder guy."  But, don't worry, he wrapped up his email by telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and that he's pretty sure we should meet as soon as physically possible.  Score.  I want him now.

eHarmony is starting to look more and more attractive, especially as they continue attempts to reel me in with ridiculously low rates.  I might be willing to pay them if just for the Guided Communication, eliminating such pathetic excuses for email exchanges.   I miss real, honest, genuine conversation with men.